G.I. Joe: Retaliation // Film Review

gijoeretaliation

“Drive it like you stole it”

Okay, I’m going to keep this one short. GI Joe: Retaliation is not only dull, confusing and mind-numbingly moronic but really doesn’t feel as if it deserved any sort of second outing. My main question I was left with is what, exactly, the film is ‘retaliation’ for… I feel like maybe it was for our very own four million years of existence and evolution that has resulted in this film being green lit. Not only did I not understand who any of the characters were (even though I had seen and thought the first was ‘okay’) but I was also left thinking that anyone who played with GI Joe action figures as a child probably came up with a better and more conceivable storyline that would better this.

Every time I have been to the cinema I’ve been met with a promo for the film with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson bigging it up saying the producers always believed there was a ‘better film to be made’ after the first one… Why did I trust ‘The Rock’ at all? He’s a fucking wrestler! For all the brain cells he has he probably over-heard anyone involved with the film on set saying the same line of ‘there’s a better film to be made’ in reference to what they were seeing in front of them.

I’m not going to discuss the story because there’s not enough time in the day and we already lost an hour due to the clocks going forward. I will sum it up with this word: crap. Every cliched line from an action film for the 80’s is regurgitated in this film and what were I guess meant to be memorable and deep monologues were just laughable and facepalm worthy.

I do have a favourite moment however, but not in a good way… In a way I just don’t get and I do keep thinking about it. The final sequences see the fake President of America launch Nuclear missiles upon all of the other Nuclear powers in the world. They then do the same, but not just at America, at everyone else in the room too… Why? They hadn’t done anything!! Israel just went in with a ‘fuck it’ attitude and decided to nuke everyone else too as did France, North Korea etc… Another weird fact is that we saw every world leader’s face apart from Great Britain… Why wasn’t Cameron there? How great would it have been if he’d had a cameo, or even better sent Boris Johnson to deal with this nuclear situation. Neither of them suit that kind of scene, it would have been brilliant… Not that any of the other world leaders were real, still, would have been hilarious. Then they destroyed London. We didn’t even see our leader there, instead the French President said ‘You can’t do this’ – it wasn’t even his country and he was more concerned than us!!! Bet he was thinking if it had only come a few years earlier they could have had the Olympics.

A film that should have erected a sign in front of every screen it ever shows in that reads ‘Fans Only’ – are there GI Joe fans?

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