Jack the Giant Slayer // Film Review

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER

“Here comes the thunder”

I have been itching to write this review since I sat through this 2-hour gigantic mistake two days ago but haven’t had the time until now. Jack the Giant Slayer was geared up as if it would kick-start some sort of Lord of the Rings style francise based upon the legend of giants living in a no-man’s land between heaven and earth, a place which is impossible to exist and very hard to believe (yes, I know it is a fantasy but come on… When laws of physics are broken we have to ask questions) the whole film ended up looking very amateur and very cheap in the CGI department. The concept seems to have been drawn up by some moron raging his way into the Warner Bros. head offices and declaring that making a fairytale adaptation would be a ‘brilliant’ idea as Disney are pushing them out like there’s no tomorrow, upon asking this lunatic what they should adapt he’s yelled Jack and the Beanstalk and that’s how we ended up here.

Jack the Giant Slayer is a film that would have been better suited to a christmas panto, the most painful thing about it being that everyone on board seems to think this is and always will be a great idea and even that they could be in for some sort of box office raid and the possibility of a sequel. The original idea obviously went no further than Jack getting up the beanstalk because as soon as he was up there it went nowhere. They quickly killed off characters we had only seen for moments but expected their deaths to be felt for longer and missed in the long run with Ewan McGregor never shutting up about the loss of his men. We don’t know them Ewan, it’s over, over like the ability for you to make a decent film any more.

The film literally consists of scene after scene that was mocked so well in the original Shrek film. I have to ignore so many flaws in the whole idea that it becomes so difficult to watch and then they put together a cast so wooden and unemotional to detach the audience even further. The opening, now I thin back to it makes me laugh even more. With a story read to a young Jack by his dad it is almost begging the audience to see it as some sort of cult production, hoping for GIFs of these scenes being posted on Tumblr after the release with ‘feels’ written underneath. I think the sheer wanting of this film to be popular, to be a box office hit also puts me off.

Right so the one thing that I think really bugged me was the fact there was this crown that could control the giants? They had no other choice but to follow whoever was wearing the crown. So, of course the real villain of the piece, Roderick, for some reason seems to have this crown and ends up controlling the giants as their king, seeing as the giants are, well, gigantic… why was their ‘crown’ so fucking small? So small it can fit on a human head? ‘Stop’ you may scream at your screen, ‘maybe it was a ring, maybe it’s a ring the gint king wears, not a crown’, I could accept that… but the fact that when the two-headed giant general (why on earth he has two heads when none of the others do is also beyond me) ends up putting this ‘crown’ on two fingers makes no sense, who makes a ring like that? To band two fingers together? What is going on here?

I like Nicholas Hoult, but this is by far, the blandest thing I have ever seen him in. Every moment he is on screen playing some sort of underdog is a massive yawn. The nose-picking, farting CGI giants seem so below a director like Singer to be creating (ignoring Superman Returns perhaps) and it is a real blow to my confidence in the upcoming X-Men film he returns for because if this is anything to go by my expectations are plummeting faster than the giant falling off his cloud land in this film. I mean, he does a respectable job, trying, forcing even some sort of muscular epic out of the fragile bones of a boring fairytale but by the end of the film I just felt like saying why bother at all?

The whole film was then shat on a little more by the way they desperately tried to make some sort of cliff-hanger ending showing that the giant crown is actually the British Crown-Jewels with some dorky kid looking at it as if he knows it’s ‘secret’. For a film entitled Jack the Giant Slayer there was very little slaying of giants at all. Nah.

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